Let's go insane together

I’m going to make an actual blog.  lol

I would allow people on my facebook to see this post… if I wasn’t such a pansy.  =/

Though some people may say that I should have already realized this.

Sometimes the decisions I make aren’t going to make everyone happy.  In fact, sometimes the decisions I make aren’t going to make me happy, but in the end they’re my decisions. 

I went to Charleston this Spring Break, and had an amazing time.  This is something that I’d been planning on doing for months.  When a certain sibling of mine called and told me she’d be coming to visit, I was excited because I wanted to see her, but it wasn’t until a day or so before I left for Charleston that I realized the two things would overlap.  

I came back early so I could see her, and I did get to see her for a short time.  The sad thing about it is they wanted to all go to a bar and hang out, but I hadn’t brought my wallet/ID with me, so I couldn’t get in.  I quickly planned to come back up the next day so I could see her off, but you know how the saying goes.  When something can go wrong, it will.  

I forgot to get my wallet out of the car that I use (I leave it in there so I won’t forget it when I go to school) and Natalie ended up taking it to work.  She wouldn’t be getting off till five, and my sister was leaving at six.  There was my problem.  I texted her and told her the situation.  I couldn’t really tell, but she seemed understandably upset….  

I’m sad, but I don’t really know what to do about it.  I can hear their voices in my head “you could have some seen your sister that you don’t get to see that often, instead of going to suck face with your boyfriend”, and all I have to say is yes, yes I could have.  I could have told her when I remembered what the situation was, I could have come back earlier, I could have done a hundred things, but the situation right now remains the same.  This is how it happened and there’s no changing that now.  I’m sorry, I truly am, but I can’t fix it.  I could tell her to come down more often, keep in touch, call or text, something….  But I won’t because I don’t want to have that conversation….  I’m not strong enough.

I have problems keeping in touch.  I have problems keeping everything organized and getting my work done on time so i have extra time to see people.  I don’t call/text as much as I could.  I apologize, but this is a two way street people.  I’m afraid to reach out because I don’t want to be constantly reminded of the fact that I’m not around a lot. I’m aware of that fact, I truly am, and to be continually reminded of it only makes me sad.  I know there’s a lot I’m missing.  I know there are people who want to see me.  I want to see all of you too.  It’s just hard sometimes.  

I can’t be in a million places at once, though I wish I could.  I can’t do a million things at one time, though I wish I could.  Some people may say that instead of spending my spring break with my boyfriend, I should have spent it with my family, and to them I respond, “maybe”.  Maybe I should have.  Maybe that would have been the better decision, but regardless of which decision was the right one, I was happy.  I had a great time.  I enjoyed myself thoroughly and I don’t regret my decision for a second.

The other decision I made is something I keep getting questions about.

I’m moving to Charleston.  Why?  Because I can.  It’s as simple as that.  I love my family and I understand why most of you would be concerned, but I’m an adult now.  I realize most of you haven’t seen a lot of me and that’s both of our faults, but regardless of how much time we’ve spent together I’m making this change because it’s a decision that I made.  Nobody told me to do it. Nobody asked me to do it.  Nobody put the idea in my head, it was all my decision.  I have my reasons for wanting to move and to most of you some of them might not seem like legitimate reasons, but honestly the legitimacy of my reasoning is for me to decide.

So instead of giving me questioning looks and poking into my reasoning, can I get some support?  

I’m freaking out on the inside.  I’m afraid of moving away to a place where I don’t know that many people.  I’m scared out of my mind at the thought of having to interact with hundreds of people I’ve never seen/met.  I’m physically shaking at the idea of what I’m going to have to do for the next few months.  I need to get so much planned/done, that it’s mind boggling. I’m going to have to share an apartment/room with someone I don’t know.  I’m going to have to go job hunting again, and that gave me panic attacks last time I did it.  It just seems like everything is happening at the same time.  

A friend is mad at me over a misunderstanding, my sisters seem to be upset with me, I need to find a place to live, I need to plan for moving out, I have to sign up for classes and get everything ready, I still have to make good grades or I don’t get my scholarship back, and to top it all off today I’m sick.  I can’t handle this at the moment and I feel myself shutting down.  I can’t stop shaking.  I can’t stop worrying.  I said I was fine but I was lying.

I’m not fine.

I’m barely okay.

This is about the point where my life starts spinning out of control

This is about the point where I realize I’m stronger than I think

This is about the point where I open my eyes and see every thing’s okay

This is about the point where I dive off the cliff, head first into the unknown…

This is about the point where I hit the bottom safely, and I understand that I was okay all along…

So why isn’t it happening?